Monday, June 19, 2006

Oh well

Well, I saw it coming. We broke up. Bound to happen.
Surpisingly, I handled it far better than I expected. I think I had it all worked up in my head into something it wasn't. I think if it had been what I thought it was, the only thing would have been a lot harder.

Another lesson learned

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Confused

Okay, well, I'm in love with him. And, I'm pretty sure I'm losing him. He really doesn't call much anymore. In fact, I haven't talked to him in several days. I'm not sure what happened. I can't get up the guts to ask what's going on. He is supposedly coming in town next weekend, but I'm starting to think he's done with me. It's killing me. I haven't really talked about it with anybody. I feel like I'm falling apart and holding the pieces together is taking everything in me. I just feel so exhausted. I wonder what I did. Is there something wrong with me?

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Head over heels

I am absolutely crazy about this guy. He came down for the weekend, and I had a blast. He's just so much fun. It was not an easy weekend forhim. Most guys would probably have been overwhelmed. Sat night he met several of my friends from high school, and had to sit through what had to have been very boring hours of high school reminiscing. Plus, they talked about how terrifying my dad is (my dad is NOT intimidating at all, but he was their high school football coach, so, well....) Then, today I took him to church. I was trying very hard not to force the whole meet the family thing on him, cuz it is still kinda early. But i do go to the same church as my parents. Still, I really wanted to go to church with him. It seemed kinda important. We had lunch with my parents afterward. I gave him an out, but he said it was cool. My dad and brother totally harassed him. And he handled it perfectly. It was so much fun. When is it ever fun the first time a guy meets your parents? But it was. I think he actually even had fun. Then we just hung out for hours before he left. He's just SO sweet.

I think I'm falling in love with him. Yes, i know it's early. Yes, I realize i've been here before with other guys and it hasn't worked out. Yes, i realize i could get my heart broken. But I can't help it. I'm crazy about him. It's just that every single second with him is so wonderful, and comfortable, and fun. It's just so easy.

Anyways, I know I ramble on about him too much. Can't help myself.

Did I mention I'm crazy about this guy?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Okay

Okay, so he called, and we talked for like 2 hours, and he's coming down this weekend. Why Why WHY do I overthink things so much?

Inadequate

Daily, my job makes me feel inadequate. There are so many people I just can't help. What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to deal with failing at my job when that means somebody stays sick or dies

Maybe he's just not that into me

Okay, so I should never have read that book. It's made me completely neurotic. But still, I haven't talked to him in three days. Yes, I realize he was with his family. And, yes, he text messaged me on Saturday night. But still, he should have called by now. Makes me sad. I really liked him. Maybe it's good I read that book. Maybe instead of obsessing about whether or not he's expecting me to call him, I'll just chalk it up to a learning experience and leave it alone.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Call

Well, last night I took a call which I have been dreading all month. All the pedi residents were out of town, so it was just me and the attending. Sounds like last month, right. I fully expected to get ZERO sleep, and to feel inadequate and overworked most of the day. Funny thing - we got NO new patients. As a matter of fact, we got rid of half the ones we had. That horrible call turned out to be one of the easiest I hve had all year.

Except for "mommy calls" The parents of the pedi patients are allowed to get hold of us 24/7. Now, my FP patients have the same set up, but this is worse. Because new parents ask the strangest things, and they ask in the middle of the night. For instance, one midnight caller called to let me know that her newborn was only having dirty diapers every other day. This had been going on for two weeks. She called at midnight to ask what to do. First of all, normal. Secondly, this has been going on for two weeks and you felt that waking me up at midnight was crucial. REALLY? Sometimes, these people wear me out!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Ridiculous

Okay, so I flip out because he doesn't call, then we spend two hours on the phone the next night. I am WAY too obsessive.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Uggghhh

So, I really like this guy. Slightly obsessed. We had such an AWESOME weekend. We just hung out for hours. I don't remember the last time I felt so comfortable with somebody.

So WHY didn't he call tonight.

Okay, expecting daily calls after three weeks is unrealistic.

But still, why didnt' he call?

I hate dating.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Smitten

I am absolutely smitten. Had the best weekend with the boy. Totally smitten.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Valentine's

So, totally wasn't expecting the boy to do anything for me for valentine's. Then, I got a cookie bouquet with a card that read "Roses are red, violet's are blue, i had a great time, and your cat did too" Hands down one of the best cards ever written. I get cheesed out pretty easy by lame, cheesy, romantic stuff. This card was PERFECT!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Clarification

Okay, so I was rereading what I just wrote. Sounded like I was making fun of him. Truly, I wasn't. I really like the guy. I just think it's great that in the middle of all that strangeness I felt completely comfortable with him. Just thought I'd clarify. The date definitely made my crush worse. Oh well, I have a whole week off to sleep, dream, and do some of those things I've been putting off for months like working out and cleaning. Oh, and studying. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll spend too much of that time thinking about a certain boy and wishing he would call. I'm off this weekend, may be the last for a while, and I REALLY want to see him. Can't exactly ask him though. It is like a four hour drive. But I can't really go down there. I mean, hey, I don't know you that well, but I'm sort of obsessed so can I come shack at your place for the weekend? Not exactly cool. Wonder if I can drop obvious hints and get him to drive down without actually having to ask him. Hmmmmmm...................

Hardened

I was talking to a friend tonight who is also doing her intern year. I was reading her my blog from earlier this year, and we both realized how hardened we're becoming to the things we face every day. 6 months ago, seeing others suffer dropped me to my knees. Now, I'm momentarily touched, or saddened, or heartsick, but then I walk away. I put it behind me and go on to my next job, or patient, or duty. A part of me realizes that this is necessary. That if I didn't learn to separate I wouldn't be able to continue in this for long. I would suffocate. Another part of me, however, is devastated to realize that I am becoming callous towards the situations that I am daily placed in. How do I find that middle ground? How do I continue to serve God and care for his children, maintaining the balance I need to continue, but the heart I need to serve?

Abba, help me to trust in you daily. Help me trust in you to meet the needs of my heart so that I can meet the needs of others. Help me to see the hearts of your children, to realize and fulfill that which I am called to do. Help me not become callous to suffering, but instead to be able to dwell in your peace in the midst of overwhelming sadness, or frustration, or even hopelessnes. Help me always to remember that my hope, as well as that of my patients, lies in you and not in my own abilities. Help me.

First dates

So, last night was a string of awkward moments. We didn't have reservations at the first restaurant and had to go to a second. He talked about his catheter/bladder incident over dinner. We arrived at the bar embarassingly early and had to wait for it to open. He made an incredibly embarrassing Revenge of the Nerds comment that forever revealed him as a nerd at heart. And my cat stuck her tongue in his ear while he was kissing me goodnight. I've never had so much fun. It was the best first date ever. Funny how things that would be horribly awkward with one person are just incredibly funny and become great memories with another. I really like this guy. Who knew that having your cat get to first base with a guy at the same time you do would end up being one of the best dates of your life!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Ridiculousness

1) Bought a pair of 3 inch heels to wear on date Saturday. Then had to call my friend's wife to find out how tall my date is because I couldn't remember and I was worried I'd be taller than him

2) Patients say the MOST absurd things to their doctor. I'm not quite grown up enough to have some of the conversations I end up having. Had a ten minute conversation with a girl today about why she might not be able to orgasm during sex. Having never had sex, you can see how this conversation might be a touch awkward for me. Stumbled through it. Hope I didn't scar her for life. In retrospect, I think fifty percent of my information came from stuff I learned in med school and the other fifty percent was probably from Cosmo, Glamour, and the like. Does that make me a bad doctor?

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Starving

So, we're having this weight loss competition at work, and I didn't do so well in January. The guys are all losing massive amounts of weight. So, in desperation, (wanting to win and also REALLY tired of weighing what I do) I decided to try juice fasting. I'm perfectly aware that it is ridiculous, unhealthy, and likely to screw up mymetabolism immensely. Still, have lost four pounds in two days. One of these days I'm gonna learn to do functional adult things like watching what i eat and balancing my checkbook, and quit alternating binging and fasting like it's healthy.

Blah Blah

So, apparently, he makes it a habit to drive to Lubbock to see girls he's interested in. Not information I needed. Feel a little less special, little bit less excited. Oh well. Also, he keeps talking to his friend about his plans instead of calling me. Having way to many conversations about this at work with his friend, infront of everybody. Getting sort of exhausted with the whole thing. Oh well, we'll see how it goes. I just don't like my private life feeling this public and involved.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Neurosis

Okay, I apologize to anyone who is actually reading my blog. Please realize that the next few entries will probably be incredibly boring with just a hint of 13 year old girl craziness.

I want to talk to him again! It's wierd, I don't usually obsess like this about a guy, but I REALLY liked this one. It's just been SO LONG since I was really interested in a guy. Yeah, I dated that guy earlier this year, but let's be honest, I was more bored than interested. He was single and nice, and I was bored, so we dated. (Wonder why it didn't work out) Anyways, this new guy is totally different. We talked for hours that night we hung out, and I was into the conversation the whole time. I wasn't having to pretend to enjoy talking to him, or pretending he was funny. He was interesting and funny . He just seems like such a great guy. But, I don't really know him that well. What if I get all worked up about it, and he turns out to be as lame as the rest of them. Or, what if I get all into him, and he decides I'm lame. AAAGGGGHHHH! Dating really sucks.

Truly, not a big fan of dating. I don't understand why God can't just send me an envelope with the name of the guy I'm supposed to end up with in it. A little note on the front with "Do NOT open until...." I'd be okay with that. I wouldn't keep driving myself crazy with all this dating stuff. So, God, if you're listening, I'll just keep checking my mail hoping for my envelope. Until then, I guess I'll keep being neurotic.

Crushes Rewarded

So, he got my number from his friend. Turns out, he thought I wasn't that interested and I was sending mixed signals. I thought he was sending mixed signals. Long story short, I really like the guy, I think he likes me, and I am probably gonna see him this weekened.

One problem - I work insane hours and he lives three hours away. Sounds manageable, right?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

School Girl Crushes

Our resident retreat was this weekend. Absolutely awesome. Three whole days in an entirely different state than my pager. PURE BLISS. Also, I met a great guy who is very cute and seemed to be interested in me. I think we hit it off. He seemed interested and said he hoped he'd see me again. But, he didn't ask for my phone number. So, am I crushing on a great guy for good reason, or is he just not that into me? AAAAGGHHHHH! Now, in his defense, I work with one of his best friends, and he can get my number if he wants it, but shouldn't he have asked me? I am so confused. Oh well, I'll revel in the excitement of a new crush for a few days, and try not to allow my inherent female psychosis to make me crazy.

Growing UP

Well, It's been seven months now of playing doctor. I'm learning a LOT, but I still have so far to go. Last month I was on surgery, which was fine, except I was getting up at like 3 every morning and was suicidally exhausted. Oh, and the surgeons have this horrific test called the ABSITE exam. Now, every specialty has a yearly exam for residents. We took ours in November. What makes theirs so horrible is that the night before EVERY SINGLE SURGERY RESIDENT got off at five oclock. Which left little old me and the trauma surgeon. ME. So, when the trauma pager went off to inform me that there was a trauma headed for the ER, I resisted the urge to hide under the desk and went racing down there to pretend I knew what I was doing and attempt to help. TERRIFYING! I survived the weekend, learned a lot, and managed not to cry in public. All in all, I'll call it a success. The last trauma of the night I beat the attending surgeon to the room by several minutes. So there I was, saying things like "Let's roll him" and trying not to wet my pants while waiting (not so patiently) for the attending to arrive. Still, I (and thankfully) all of my patients managed to survive the evening. Moral of the story.....when there are no upper level residents present, CALL IN SICK!!!!

It's just so wierd. This time last year I was in school. My only responsibility was me. Now, my responsibilities are the growniest of grown up, and every day I am faced with the reality that I AM AN ADULT, and there apparently are no takebacks. So long immaturity.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Breaking Bad News

How many times this week have I had to face a family and tell them that their loved one is probably not going to make it? It seems like that is all I have done. I have had to hold up a teenager to keep him from hitting the floor after seeing us trying to save a mother's life. I then had to see the look in his eyes when we told him we were unable to save her. This morning, I faced yet another family. Gave yet more bad news. And realized they weren't hearing what I was telling them. I try so hard to be compassionate yet honest. They ahve to know when the prognosis is bad. But they just weren't hearing me. I left that room with a feeling that that family was no more prepared for her death than they were when I went in to talk to them. I don't know what's worse, seeing the look on their face when they do understand, or realizing I am completely incapble of helping them understand, helping them deal with situation. I am so tired of being unable to fix things.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Learning curve

It's amazing. A month ago I was absolutely terrified. Iwas about to spend a month taking care of patients in an ICU. By definition, all of my patients would be in critical condition. How was I possibly supposed to know enough to handle that, to take care of them the way I needed to. A month later, I know so much more than I did. I know that I still have a long, long way to go, but I feel a little more confident that I can handle what is entrusted to me. It's a pretty cool feeling.

I feel closer to God, too. I've seen him at work in so many things. And, just intrusting that he would get me, and my patients, through the month, has helped me regain a little bit of the faith that I seem to have been slowly losing over the years.

I broke up with this guy I'd been dating a couple of weeks ago. I think truly the only reason I had held on so long was the fear that I would never find the person God intends for me. Yet somehow, in recognizing that he was not what God intended for me, and in actually surrendering to that, I walked away. I'm still alone, and still have no idea what God has in store for me, but I do feel more secure in the knowledge that he has someone out there for me. That truly it is better to wait for His best than to settle for the best I can come up with. Yes, my heart still has doubts. Occasionally I suffer from pangs of loneliness and from a fear that I may end up alone, but my heart has a peace that I didn't have a few months ago. "For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything" Today, my heart believes that. Today I trust in that. Today, his grace truly is sufficient for me. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm..."

Lord, help me to continue to trust in your plans, and stop shoving them aside with plans of my own. Help me to live each day satisfied in you, and on those days when I simply won't be satisfied, plant that peace in my heart to know that even though I feel alone, I am never truly alone, that you have plans for me that are better than anything I can engineer on my own.

Monday, October 24, 2005

AAAGGGGHHHHH

So, i was eating breakfast this morning and got this excrutiating tooth pain that took over my whole face. So, now, instead of wallowing in my pajamas all day on one of my very rare days off, I'm going to the dentist. This sucks!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Exhausted

Unbelievable. It's been nearly four months. I'm almost a third of the way through my intern year. I know that I have grown over the past four months. Overwhelming responsibility has a way of changing you. I am still terrified every day that I will do something stupid, screw up somehow and hurt someone, or worse, let them die. I had a patient die in July that I will never forget. Logically, I know that there is nothing I could have done. But I can't quiet that voice inside of me that keeps whispering that if only he had had a better doctor...... I can't keep looking back on that. I finally had a realization a couple of weeks ago. I don't get to be in charge of who lives or dies. God does. I'm here to help, to comfort, even, sometimes, to heal, but only within God's plans. Somehow, it took a long time and a lot of tears for me to remember I'm not the boss of the universe. Grasping hold of that knowledge, I am somehow able to get through each day of this month. A month I'm spending in the ICU. Where every day I'm staring down at people who are barely hanging on to life, who are fragile, and hurting, and very very sick. Each day I have to take a deep breath, quiet that nagging voice, and listen to the voice of my creator reminding me that my hands aren't the only ones working to heal them.

And, in the midst of it all, I REALLY need a three day nap!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

To Do List

1) Graduation thank you's
2) Pay bills
3) buy bookshelf
4) Finish unpacking!
5) Bring table and chairs over
6)..........

Monday, June 06, 2005

Settling In

So, I've been in my new apartment for a week. One would assume I am completely unpacked and settled in. However, anyone that knows me would suspect otherwise. I HATE organizing. I like being organized, it'sjust that I hate the process (which is why it generally only lasts a few days once I manage to actually get organzied) The thought of plowing through all my crap just depresses me, so it's happening a little bit at a time. To start with, I simply cannot get my office organized until I buy another bookshelf. My love for books has completely outgrown the bookshelf I have (and it's a six foot shelf). So, I still have four, no five, boxes of books in the middle of my floor. This is really the last room still in disarray though. I still have several boxes of decorations to unpack, but I need to do things before I truly begin prettying up the place. I want a TV armoire, but that can wait, but I need to paint the accent wall my fireplace is on, bring my table over from my sister's place, find the floor in my office, etc. And, because I don't like organizing, the office isn't getting done, and I promised my self I would do that before I started on painting, decorating, etc. Such is the life of a dreamy procrastinator. Who knew I could actually be more content dreaming of how my apartment will look instead of digging in and getting it done. Oh well.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Graduation

So, I got my diploma today. I should feel ecstatic - but instead I'm just stressed out and extremely frustrated. I load my trailer tomorrow, there is a problem with my Uhaul reservation, and I'm not completely packed. i need a nap, but there is so much I need to take care of. I wonder when excitement will hit - maybe after a nap. Sometimes being an adult sucks, I miss having someone else take care of the details and being able to just be along for the ride.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Slightly panicked

My sister is coming today and my room is a disaster. I never finished packing, so there's all those little things all over the place that you don't know what to do with when you're packing, plus laundry's not done, etc. And, this morning I decided to clean the bathroom, but I overdid it, and I can't freaking get the cleaning products completely rinsed away. I need to take a shower, but it's like a hazmat in there.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Moving

Moving day is exactly two weeks from today. I have SOOOO much I still need to do, and I can't seem to get myself motivated. My sister is coming in a couple of days, and I had really hoped to have most of this done before I got here, but I just can't make myself care. Organization and cleaning are not my favorite things, to say the least, and packing involves a whole lot of both of those. Must get motivated, but really just want to take a nap.

Also, WHY WHY WHY do Grey's Anatomy and Crossing Jordan have to be on at the same time. I end up having to record one and watch it immediately after. Really delays bedtime. Pretty irritating, but what's a girl to do?

Thursday, May 12, 2005

A/C

Aaaagghhhhhh! Just got an estimate on my air conditioner. $600 to get it fixed. Don't have it, so not gonna happen. Who needs to be clean and fresh, sweaty and stinky is just fine, right?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Radiology

So, I have 2 1/2 weeks left. Great, right? Except that I am currently taking a radiology class that threatens to bore me to death before I ever get the diploma. The ER and Xray stuff is okay, but the CT and MRI are killing me. Falling asleep is never a good way to win points with the attending, but I am practically having to pry my eyes open with toothpicks. Painful. Oh, well, I suppose, I'll head off to work now - I could use a nap.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Moving

Oh my gosh! I feel like my arms and legs are gonna fall off. I have been cleaning out and packing for two days. I HATE moving!!!!! After being in the same place for four years, there is a LOT of cleaning out to do. It is amazing how much crap I accumulated. Plus, I save all my bills and stuff - and I hadn't cleaned those out in years. I just shredded six YEARS worth of bills and bank statements! I now have plenty of packing material though. AAGGGHHHH! Can I just pay somebody from now on to come do this for me. Organization, planning, and CAREFUL really aren't my things.

In addition, after two straight days of this, my ToDo list has gotten longer, not shorter. If you don't hear from me, it is because I have died of exhaustion.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Galveston

Just got back from Galveston. I went down with a friend to help her move some stuff to her new place. It is SOOO awesome. I am so jealous. Her building was built in 1884, she has 20 foot ceilings in her living room. Plus, she's a block from the strand. And, they have a beach in Galveston, granted it's a little trashy, but it's still a beach.

On the down side, we slept on the floor last night because she hasn't moved her bed yet. Ow!

Also, a little pissed, my little brother, who was in charge of getting the gift, overslept and missed mother's day. My mom has to be so pissed. He's so inconsiderate sometimes.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Sucks

My friends keep sending me all these great pics of their trips overseas. Why didn't I save a vacation month and enough money to actually leave texas? Why WHy Why?

Friday, May 06, 2005

Motivation?

I have absolutely NO motivation. Three weeks of school left and I can't seem to make myself do anything.
To Do List:
1)Mail announcements
2)Set up new utilities
3)Pay library fines
4)Pay late fines to Lanesborough
5)Learn to do things on time so as to avoid fines:)
6)Clean room
7)Clean out room - must start packing
8)Green graduation checkout list - AAGGHHHH
Will add more later. Am currently so unorganized cannot organize a to do list!!!!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Why Why Why

Why can't there be a job where I can sleep until 9, lay around, and go to work around noon? Some days I REALLY miss college!